Anyway.... When Steven Curtis Chapman lost his daughter... it brought back my own feelings of despair when our family went thru a personal tragedy. Granted we did not lose a child's life... but we came very close to losing a child. Our family changed and will never go back to what it once was... I won't tell my child's story due to my child's right to privacy. I will state that my child entered a place where I was helpless to help them.... and I faded further and further into darkness. At one point, I truly felt, had this child died.... it would have been easier to deal with. Two years later, and countless miracles and angels from heaven... were are back happy again... back laughing... back enjoying life. Our normal is still very different and we will never be what we were.... but we are still a family and thank you God... for knowing that my Child would overcome... could overcome....
Anyway, here is the post I started over a month ago....
A harsh title for a post... yet it is true... sometimes even the strongest Christian's feel let down by God, even those who would never admit it publicly. Now let me stress, we know better, but sometimes, especially if the hurt/pain involves our children and/or our families, we feel let down.
I recently read the Good Morning America transcripts from the Steven Curtis Chapman family interview. I was so impressed that they opened up about their questions, the unknowns, the why's.... and their faith.
We all talk about having faith, but few of us realize, as the Chapman's seem to realize, that faith is not just believing in God... it is so much more. To believe in God, we have to believe that he has the power to do anything. He merely breathed words... and all we know was created.
So we truly believe 100% in a God who can do anything... whose power is limitless.... and yet sometimes, horrible things happen... and that knowledge we have, that God could have prevented it, that God did not protect our loved one from a horrible experience... it confuses us.
And for those of us who are very close to God, who believe he is our best friend as well as our father... we struggle more... wondering how our friend, who had the power to stop this thing, could allow it to happen. I mean, if my earthly best friend saw one of my children playing with matches, she certainly would stop them, call me... protect my children as best she could. Yet sometimes, it seems my Heavenly Father, my very best friend ever... watches as horrid things happen with my children. And at times, I admit, I have been confused about this friendship we share. Yet there is this belief in God, so deep within me and his goodness is so real inside me.... I just have to believe he knows best and this plan of his... though muddy and murky to me now... will one day be clear and beautiful. And I guess.... that is faith. This belief that defies human logic. And it is more than just belief... I know it to be true.
The Chapman's little girl died. Their son lives with so many 'what if's". Heck, I am sure their whole family lives with "what if's". What if I had stopped her? What if I had looked better? What if I had held onto her? what if.... they can drive us insane. Why did God send us to China, only to allow her to die so young? It simply doesn't make sense to my human mind. To read their interview, and see how the Dad held her while visiting a special needs orphanage in China, then later, looking thru pics from his trip, saw the picture of himself holding her and simply knew he was seeing a father holding his child, not a man holding a child. And he brought her home... though the time in that earthly home was so short. Reading their words, I felt their pain so intensely.
It reminds me of 7 years ago, when we took in a newborn foster child. One morning, I noticed a knot on her head. Now mind you I have five older kids and I did start wondering... did one of them try to pick her up and drop her? So off to the emergency room at Children's I go....It turns out it was an injury from birth and no big deal at all (infertile woman here had no clue about birthing injuries... only older kids dropping baby injuries). Anyway, while I was waiting, I heard that horrid sound... the helicopter. We all know someone is near death when that helicopter arrives... and when you are at Children's, it means a child. Soon a Grandpa ran in screaming hysterically. It was his Grandson, who had been hit by a car, right in front of his Dad and Grandpa, as he got the mail out of the mailbox. He died. I watched the Grandpa collapse in front of me as he heard his Grandson died. The grandpa kept saying, "He was only seven and had only just started getting the mail. He loved to get that mail. We were all watching... all of us, He ran right out in front of that car. He just did. We screamed stop."
I took our baby and went home, with that crying Grandpa haunting me. I arrived home to my kids screaming that a little boy down the road from us had been killed, while getting the mail. He was a classmate of my kids. We lived over an hour from Children's Hospital. It hit me even harder that while I did not know this little boy, my kids did... and while I did not know that Grandpa, his pain I could feel as if it were my own Dad crying over one of my kids.
I have no idea if this family was a Christian family.... but I have no doubt they wondered where God and his angels were... as their little boy darted out in front of that car... so expectantly.
And then... there was a dear friend. Her little girl, 12 or 13, I can't really remember, died in a car crash, early in the morning... as she and her mother drove to the school to video tape her best friend returning from a cheerleadering competition. You see... .the cheerleader's dad was dying of cancer and her mom was at the hospital with him. The little girl's mother had to miss the competition due to her husband's impending death. Little L. asked her mom if they could video tape her, since her parents could not watch her at the competition, at least they could see her getting off the bus with the trophy. And truly, Little L. had this type of giving heart. She thought of others all the time. Just the Sunday before, she came to our adult class to ask us all to donate whatever we could afford to help the teens who could not afford youth camp. She pleaded, not for herself, but for the kids who could not afford to attend.
In the early morning hours, on the way to the school to video tape her friend, a crash happened. When the police arrived, only one car was involved. Yet the mom was sure she swerved to avoid hitting a delivery truck. The daughter died.... the mom was prosecuted for her death... and only at the very, very end.... a year or so later, did a delivery man come forward and admit he caused the accident saving this mom from a vehicular homicide conviction.
Soon after her child's death, the Mom's husband left her for another woman. Not just any other woman... but her best friend.... the woman whose husband was dying of cancer (and had since died). She lost her husband to the woman... whose child her own daughter was going to video tape the morning of her death. The mom not only lost her daughter, her husband, her best friend... she also faced prosecution for vehicular homicide. This family, like the Chapman's, were incredible singers and members of our church. The Mom and her two sisters, as well as her two daughters, would sing the most beautiful songs. One song always stood out... I don't know the name, or even all the words, but some of it goes....
I would not trade my Jesus for your earthly wealth
and I will not bow my knees to mortal man
For I know, one day, those gates will swing open wide
And I see one, whose been holding, to my hand
They sang it in such incredible harmony. It was the last song they sang together. Our pastor always requested it when they sang. He teased them often that he wanted them to sing it at his funeral one day. The versus were full of the struggles of life... the Chorus... that Jesus holds our hand. Can you even imagine.. those gates swinging open... and Jesus waiting to warmly hold your hand and welcome you home?
I remember the first time they sang it... after Little L. died. It was a year or so later. They cried all the way thru it. The whole church did. My Dad, not a Christian then, was in the congregation and had no clue why we were all in such a state.
It was the first time, the very first time... I saw her Mom weak. Of course she cried when her daughter died... but she kept attending church... she was there for her other two kids. She smiled and greeted everyone at church. Even thru the trial... she never complained. She was falsely accused. She went thru two trials, one by the courts and one by her ex-husband, who accused her of wrongful death. She went from wealthy, to living with her brother. But there was never weakness in her faith. And I never saw her complain. She smiled with love for Jesus. She loved Jesus.... When she cried, while singing that song, it was not a sign of weakness in her faith, it was weakness in yearning to see Little L again... one day. To sing with her.. again one day. And a complete faith that it would happen. Yet that one day... while singing that one day... we saw her pain... the pain she hid so well. At times, she couldn't sing, the tears flowed so badly. It only made me admire her faith more even as my heart ached for her.
I felt the same heartache for the Chapman's when I read their interview... about how hard it was to sing again.. especially the "Dancing with Cinderella" song. Yet thru their questions, their confusion, their wondering about where God was and why this happened... they believed in that same God... they had faith... they felt his love... and they knew, they simply knew, they would be with her again. Yet they still want her back. They will always, always, want her back.
A few years ago, our own family went thru a tragedy. I won't go into detail because it is so private... but I truly was upset with God. My youth pastor came to talk to me.... he tried to tell me about Job. I stopped him. I said, "I never understood Job's story and I still don't. I know he had 10 children, I know they all died. I know God rewarded him double for never losing faith in God no matter how horrible his life had become. I don't want two more children. I want this child. How could Job ever have been happy to lose 10 children... and gain 20 children". He stopped me and said, "I don't remember ever reading that Job magically stopped mourning his lost children... or that he wanted double anything. What Job did do was keep his faith that God was the one in control, not him and he knew, that God loved him".
Then our youth pastor started to reassure me that God loved me. I stopped him again and said, "I am sorry, but if you are going to tell me God loves me... when I believe in him so deeply... when I trust him to protect my babies... and now my baby is lost... please don't. I still love God. I still serve God. I know he sees the end and I only see the now. But right now, I don't want to hear it. Don't talk to me about love, when I know the one who loves me the most, and who had the power to stop this before it ever happened... didn't... just don't even talk to me about it right now". Now in between these words, I was hysterical. Not yelling, not screaming... just the opposite, calm, deadly calm. I don't ever want to feel such a chilling calm inside me again.
He stopped. He said, "I normally don't do this... but I really feel I need to share this with you. Years ago... A woman was going thru something similar to your trial. Not the exact same, but similar.... and I tried to comfort her with words very similar to what I tried to say to you. She stopped me and said, "Brother D. God is my best friend. Please understand I know he loves me and I love him. But right now, right this minute, I am very mad at my best friend. We will make up. But right now, I am mad".
We then talked about God understanding us being mad... because a mad this intense, is proof of our faith in God. It is proof of our belief, our complete belief, that God could have stopped the tragedy our family endured. To be this mad at him, we have to believe in him.... and eventually, we will once again crave that hugging love of his... just not while we are mad at our best friend.
I was able to get my child back. One miracle after another happened over the past two years. God sent angels to me... who got me thru. God sent angels to my child... thru his youth pastor, teachers, coaches, judges, therapists, lawyers... My child was lost to us... and God gave us back our child.
And with it, the knowledge that our kids are worth fighting for no matter what... no matter what... no matter what... they have done... that there is a war going on to destroy our families... That by destroying families... evil truly wins. Parents, don't turn from your children. I almost made that mistake... Until God reeled me back in thru one of his angels. Fight for your kids... regardless of what they have done. I am serious. I don't care if they are in prison, or a mental hospital... a juvie center... homeless and addicted to drugs... just fight for them. Don't give into a world that is more concerned with labeling kids, than loving kids... don't rely on the schools, churches, or anyone else to teach your kids.... you teach them. Teach them about God's love, God's will... And don't listen to the world. I am serious. Listen to God's word. And parent's... even non-Christians... fight for your kids.
Learn from the Chapman's... learn from the Mom at my church... and learn from my mistakes... and fight for your kids... even when they mess up, especially when they mess up. They have value... they have worth... and they can be saved from their own mistakes.
I pray the Chapman's have a counselor as good as our church's youth pastor.... who tells them it is OK to be mad at your best friend... as long as you make up again.... because the best friend you have is awesome and of all the friends you will ever have in your life... this one friend, understands why you are mad. When you are ready to make up... he is there, waiting to hold hands again.
Glad I am no longer mad at my best friend... and worrying about my close friends who are still struggling with these same feelings.... been there... done that.
Friends... please know I do pray for you... and you are loved and needed very much by this friend...
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