Kissing your five year old for the last time... ever.

Saturday night, I kissed my five year old daughter Boo for the very last time ever as a five year old (her words, not mine)... and I cried. Sunday, I kissed my new six year old daughter for the very first time (as a six year old)... and I forced myself not to cry.

Goodness I did this with our youngest son too. He was our last child... until we decided one more. Now Boo is our last child and something just rips me apart as she passes each milestone.

Oh how to capture that smile she had all day Saturday, as she sang to the world that today, this very day, was her very, very last day as a five year old and tomorrow, finally, she would be as old as the rest of her Kindergarten class.

All day long I heard, "Mommy, do you realize that I will never be five again".

Oh sweetie, I realized you would never be five weeks old again. I realized I missed those three months between when I met you and when I returned to bring you home. I realized that I would only see that first tooth once (and actually, two came in at once). I wanted you to take your time crawling and walking. You crawled at 5 months and walked at the end of 7 months, walked very well at 8 months... and have been running towards adulthood ever since. And I am pretty sure I am the only parent of six or more children who begged her last not to potty train. I am serious when I say I miss the swish swish sound diapers make when babies walk. I didn't mind the poo.... at least not with one. Back when we had three in diapers, I admit, I wanted them potty trained. But one in diapers is a breeze. I miss her sweaty little head on my chest each night. And I know she will never, ever realize, how much I will miss her being my last five year old child.

I can't slow you down and sweetie, I realize all too well that so many lasts are passing by me. And yes... I will never have my five year old Boo again... she joined 4 year old boo, 3 year old boo, 2 year old Boo and infant Boo in our photo albums and Momma's memory. And yes I am crying as I write this.

To make it doubly worse, my son, teen2, turns 16 this Weds. I am sad about his growing up too, but it is different. For one thing, he isn't my last 15 year old. I have four more to go!!! Still I looked thru his pics and realize, quite sadly, that HE will never be 15 again and that brings on pangs of longing for the little elf he use to be. But at the same time, I am anxious to have my first grown kids... and he and teen1 are rapidly becoming young adults.

Here is one of my favorite pictures, when Teen2 met Boo for the first time. He was 10 and she was 4 months old. If only I could roll back time, I think that day would be one I would pause for as long as I could. What an amazing day it was.

And in between my tears, I think of Steven Curtis Chapman and their family, and how they too said goodbye to their five year old, but in the saddest of ways. They will never see her sixth birthday. For those who are not familiar, she was killed in a horrible accident. It makes me feel guilty to cry over the fact that five is gone.... when I still have six to enjoy. Yet I cry.

I want to choke this up to menapause, which has hit me hard... but I have done this with every child before Boo. Though I must admit, I am welcoming the teen years passing with my boys. One mom told me, this past weekend, that I will like my oldest boys again soon. Oh how I hope that is true because right now, they are definately trying to find their own selves, at the expense of the sanity of our family. And I do see signs that we will once again like each other. Granted they are signs between the stomping of feet, URGHHHH's that are screamed at me for asking them to put their dishes in the sink (I guess that is for little kids only... and parents of course... but not teen boys, LOL). One stomping off before his own birthday outing to Dave and Buster's... because we were upset he gave away a very expensive bike, a bike we bought!!! A bike we told him not to give away. We hand me down to the younger kids, we don't give away unless we don't have a younger child who could use it.

To summarize, I want to honor my two birthday kids, Boo and Teen2. I haven't forgotten all the lasts we have experienced.... I am very thankful for the tens of thousands of photo's I have taken over the years and the hundreds of video's, because one day I might forget... and those will help me remember. I am very excited about the rest of our firsts to come.... and for now... I am eternally grateful to God for the fact that you call me Mom and are both so adorably asleep.... I truly am a Blessed Mom.

Remembering the firsts and lasts.... wishing I could slow time.... accepting I can't... enjoying now...

Been there, done that...